I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
This is my emotional support knife.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?