“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
the three branches of government
*launders Kohls cash*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round