I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.