Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS