I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
adding to the discourse
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
58.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.