@LoveNLunchmeat

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

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@OllyiConic

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

@Ivsy01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@Shenaniglenns

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

@SteveDutzy

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL