“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
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If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Most fashion shows these days…
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.