I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
yeah 😭
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*