I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

You Might Also Like


The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.


Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.


doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else


Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents


Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.


Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”


Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.


Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.