I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown