@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

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@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@kimlockhartga

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

@clichedout

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

@KeetPotato

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

@js_jacques

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

@jojipaints

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.