i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
this post was so formative to me
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]