I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen