I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard