I was just discussing this with my cat
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over