i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge