i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The point of your 20s
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”