I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Stop sending me this shit.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”