I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Nothing.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent