I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
i will avenge u mr van gogh