i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
You Might Also Like
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
this FaceApp is creepy af
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal