I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.