I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

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Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.


*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”


And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.


Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.


I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day


“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks


Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas


Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.


What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars