I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
crochet youtube is brutal
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this