I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You Might Also Like
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
happy friday
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me