I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.