I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The Compass
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My Sentiments Exactly
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Who’s your best friend?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns