I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
📽️movie date🎞️
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Cause of death: Zumba
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*