@Froschauer_AF My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
@angrypumpkins I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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@Froschauer_AF 
@pmclellan So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
@OneFunnyMummy The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
@heathesauruss Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
@HuffPostComedy Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
@CulturedRuffian WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
@mrjohndarby [arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
@starwarsshirt I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
@CulturedRuffian Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
@LostFelicia My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.