I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
why I oughta
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.