I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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(人__つ_つ