I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
You Might Also Like
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”