I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing