I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.