I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.