I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight