I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children