I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
normalize having existential bread
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
This is sending me to another galaxy
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Just had my nails done!
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!