I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.