I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Children of the corn 🌽
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“No way.” -Jose