I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!