I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Based Erika
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.