@goodgrief_rats

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

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@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@Baxterbix

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@patnspankme

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

@Browtweaten

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

@Darlainky

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?