I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I just ran a .003048K
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words