DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.