I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”