I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.


Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.


[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”


I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college


Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team


My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get


*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*


lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?


Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned


Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.