@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@GrabTheWEness

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

@st__arving

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

@FunInternetGuy

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

@KyleMcDowell86

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

@komradecarl

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

@WilliamAder

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.