I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.