@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

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@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

@thepunningman

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

@PaigeKellerman

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

@D2BMcG

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

@rad_milk

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@RandomRamblr

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

@Eden_Eats

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

@simoncholland

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.