I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.


*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*


AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]


The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.


Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times


ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not


I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”


She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.


The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.


Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.