I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
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2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
oh you wanna fight?!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me as a therapist: omg same
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.