I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.