I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
馃槕
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I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I never met a problem I couldn鈥檛 make worse
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I never understood how the little drummer boy鈥檚 parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I don鈥檛 take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I鈥檓 gonna have to leave here now.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn鈥檛 notice when I haven鈥檛 moved my mouse in an hour.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I鈥檓 so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you鈥檙e all dead to me too.
There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it鈥檚 a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he鈥檚 super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.