I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.