I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.