Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Chemical wingman

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.