I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Strangers have the best candy.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.