I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
went fishing caught a bass
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats