@secondofhername Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
@iAmDelFreaky I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You Might Also Like
@secondofhername @iAmDelFreaky *sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
@ChrisThayerSays I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
@jonnysun “it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
@mjkspeaks I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
@ArfMeasures WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
@OhNoSheTwitnt I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
@Kateness8 stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
@AwedFellow How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
@TaranKillam Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–