I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Things will get butter, keep churning
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Noah
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.