I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You Might Also Like
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.