Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.