I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.


Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.


On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)


broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him


Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.


Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”